I’ve been super exhausted and even more emotional than usual…even those stupid Folgers commercials can get me doing the ugly cry! And while a day has yet to go by in 2 1/2 years, that I don’t miss Bennett, my heart has been aching much more than just “miss.”
And it hit me this week: Easter.
As a girly, girl, infatuated with pink, sparkles and boys (specifically a boy name Lee, these days!), I’ve always wanted a daughter! A little girl I could dress in pink, play Barbies with, come up with unending reasons to use glitter, and sing along to the latest boy-band craze! We’d read stories like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, and I’d share my Prince Charming, because she was sure to be a daddy’s girl! Of course I knew the reality of having a girl wouldn’t always be perfect, but it was my dream!
When Lee and I learned we were pregnant in the Spring of ’08, I was convinced I was having a boy! I wanted a girl more than anything, ever, and just couldn’t let myself get my hopes up! I just thought for sure, as much as I wouldn’t know what the heck to do with a boy (snakes, dirt, rocks, etc.), I was probably having one just for those very reasons!
And then a miracle happened: the woman told us our baby was a girl!! I sobbed tears of joy! And of course immediately began planning our future around our sweet baby girl, Bennett! Including Easter dresses! Nothing is more adorable than a little princess in her Easter Sunday best!
….every holiday without her is tough. But this one, for me, is the toughest. Christmas I can focus on Lee, Brighton and others, Valentines Day (my favorite holiday!) I can focus on Lee, Mother’s Day I can focus on the child I do have here on earth, Brighton. But these last few Easters, I can fake like I’m a faithful Christian, hopeful that because of what Jesus did, I get to see my sweet girl again someday, but that’s not how I truly feel. Instead I’m devastated that Bennett’s Easter dress isn’t hanging neatly in her closet. I would have already tried it on her at least three times!
I love, love Brighton with all that I am! And I’m so, so thankful to be sharing life with my soul-mate. But, I want my girl, too! As I watch Brighton play, now, I can see how Bennett would fit right in as the helpful big sister. Playing right along with him, constantly stealing a kiss and a squeeze!
I’m trying to give myself a break, and just be, as we approach Easter. Grief doesn’t seem to have a specific time-line. I suppose it’s okay, I like the idea of forever loving Bennett.
Kenna, your strength is in your heart. Your love for Bennett extends beyond this world and into eternity. The loss of Bennett is something I could never fully grasp the way you do, but I can tell you that you’re one of the greatest mother’s I have even seen. You love Brighton with the fire and passion of a thousand suns. I have witnessed your amazing love and that of Lee’s too. All I know is that God will bless you Kenna. Keep strong and know you are loved. I will be praying for you and Lee and Brighton. Love you!
Kenna, thank you sharing your feelings. Easter is a time of rejoicing, yes, but it is a time of grief first. So maybe your feelings are more appropriate than you think. Sometimes the hardest things we go through open us to God’s Word in a way that many don’t experience. I appreciate your honesty and wish you peace and understanding.
Wow, Kenna. I’m just in awe and tears. Thank you for writing this deeply honest post. God bless you!
Kenna, this is a beautiful tribute to your sweet girl. Thank you for sharing so openly.
Kenna,
Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing.. you are a beautiful person. I pray that in her sorrow this Easter Jesus feels somehow closer than before.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Always loving her and thinking of her is Ok! Of course you love your son with your whole heart. I’ve never experianced this kind of pain and I can’t imagine what it’s like. All I can say is that you are amazing for walking through this. May you feel God wrap his arms around you this Easter!
Love you, friend! Thank you for sharing! May God be with you! You are such an amazingly strong mother and woman, I admire you. xoxo
You are such an amazing woman Kenna. I am so proud of you for sharing this.
Your grief is a sign of your love. I am proud of you for carrying both. My prayer for you this Easter is that you don’t feel guilty for missing Bennett on the #1 Show Off Your Cute Dress Day. How could you not? Hope doesn’t erase pain. The most faithful Christians I know spend much of their lives wrestling with questions and emotions that are messy.
You are LOVED, and Bennett is missed. Every time I see a blonde girl I think of her.