I’ve been super exhausted and even more emotional than usual…even those stupid Folgers commercials can get me doing the ugly cry! And while a day has yet to go by in 2 1/2 years, that I don’t miss Bennett, my heart has been aching much more than just “miss.”
And it hit me this week: Easter.
As a girly, girl, infatuated with pink, sparkles and boys (specifically a boy name Lee, these days!), I’ve always wanted a daughter! A little girl I could dress in pink, play Barbies with, come up with unending reasons to use glitter, and sing along to the latest boy-band craze! We’d read stories like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, and I’d share my Prince Charming, because she was sure to be a daddy’s girl! Of course I knew the reality of having a girl wouldn’t always be perfect, but it was my dream!
When Lee and I learned we were pregnant in the Spring of ’08, I was convinced I was having a boy! I wanted a girl more than anything, ever, and just couldn’t let myself get my hopes up! I just thought for sure, as much as I wouldn’t know what the heck to do with a boy (snakes, dirt, rocks, etc.), I was probably having one just for those very reasons!
And then a miracle happened: the woman told us our baby was a girl!! I sobbed tears of joy! And of course immediately began planning our future around our sweet baby girl, Bennett! Including Easter dresses! Nothing is more adorable than a little princess in her Easter Sunday best!
….every holiday without her is tough. But this one, for me, is the toughest. Christmas I can focus on Lee, Brighton and others, Valentines Day (my favorite holiday!) I can focus on Lee, Mother’s Day I can focus on the child I do have here on earth, Brighton. But these last few Easters, I can fake like I’m a faithful Christian, hopeful that because of what Jesus did, I get to see my sweet girl again someday, but that’s not how I truly feel. Instead I’m devastated that Bennett’s Easter dress isn’t hanging neatly in her closet. I would have already tried it on her at least three times!
I love, love Brighton with all that I am! And I’m so, so thankful to be sharing life with my soul-mate. But, I want my girl, too! As I watch Brighton play, now, I can see how Bennett would fit right in as the helpful big sister. Playing right along with him, constantly stealing a kiss and a squeeze!
I’m trying to give myself a break, and just be, as we approach Easter. Grief doesn’t seem to have a specific time-line. I suppose it’s okay, I like the idea of forever loving Bennett.